Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
