i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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