I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize