Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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