Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
