you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
