my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
