Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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