eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
