Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
