i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
