I cut my penus on the lid.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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