I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
