I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
