I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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