I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
