someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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