My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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