I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
