I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
