How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
