I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
