Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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