I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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