Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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