How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
