That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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