This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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