i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
