you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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