how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
