Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
