Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
