I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize