Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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