my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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