i love accidental penises.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
