Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
