you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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