I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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