If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
