he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
