Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize