My friends, they love my intelligence
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
