After last night, I could never be a politician.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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