Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
