I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
