just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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