What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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