i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
