only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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