i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize