I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
