All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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