i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
