btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
