I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
